To the friends I have neglected along my Autism mommy journey,
First of all I want to apologise. I want to say sorry for not being around. I want to say sorry for not being a good friend. I want to say sorry for not making the effort.
The last few years have been an absolute whirlwind. One word changed everything. One word turned our lives upside down.
We used to love our days out, our play dates and our care free fun. We used to love the endless chats, eating too much chocolate and just spending time together. But then it all stopped.
That is probably my fault. You see this word consumed my whole life. When Autism came up for Riley, I threw myself into the fight. The fight for assessment, the fight for diagnosis, the fight for services. I spent my days making phone calls fighting for my child and getting nowhere. I spent so many hours at therapy appointments, doctors appointments and working with him that I probably forgot to answer your messages. I probably forgot to return the phone calls. I probably forgot to contact you.
I know I have cancelled days out last minute, not been able to go on nights out or weekends away, but my little boy needed his mommy and that is where I have been.
I have to say his journey is a lonely one. I spend my days with a little boy who cannot answer my questions. A little boy who has lost his voice. Some days I just look at him and I cry. Some days I can take on the world. But by the time he goes to bed I am exhausted and I crawl in next to him. Some days these are the only cuddles I get from him because some days he doesn’t like to be touched. And believe me these cuddles, for me, top any night out that could ever happen.
I am not gonna lie, I have not been myself this last year. I was not happy in myself. I questioned how to be happy when I cannot fix things for my child. I didn’t make time for friends, if anything I did not want to be around people because I felt like an absolute moan. I pushed you away and I am sorry. Sometimes seeing your children doing amazing things secretly hurt. The conversations, the sports classes, telling jokes, all the “normal” things. That does not mean I begrudge you of these moments, not one bit. It just means sometimes it is hard, because without wanting to I compare. I compare what Riley cannot do and it hits you smack bang in the face. Sometimes these things are hard.
I get that this might make no sense to you. I get that you might not understand Autism. I get that you might not want to know. BUT I wanted you to know.
I never meant for us to drift apart. I never meant to push you away. But being honest life took over, Autism took over. It has a habit of doing that.
I hope one day to randomly bump into you, and we can grab a coffee like the old days. Chat about the silly thing, and laugh like nothing else matters.
I am sending you all the love in the world.